Navigating Social Constructs as a Transgender Man

Ever since I was a child, I identified with masculinity in ways that didn’t feel normal, yet were natural. I mean, I was in preschool playing “house” without ever questioning who was going to play the dad because that role was made for me- only in my imaginary world. It wasn’t until I stepped into my reality that things started to become confusing. Why couldn’t I wear shirts with cars on them ? Why couldn’t I lounge in my seat and sit with one leg folded over the other? For Christmas, I always wondered why people gifted me Barbie dolls and make-up without trying to seem ungrateful. I’d graciously say “thank you” and then go on to play with my older brother’s toy trucks and superhero action figures.

As I grew older, what others perceived as rebellion felt like religion to me. Masculinity was my armor. It was how I felt safe, how I felt seen, and how I felt honest. It was how I viewed the world and what I believed I was and should be. For a long time I never questioned why I carried a masculine demeanor and energy. However, the older I became the more I was aware of my masculinity and how I fit in with the world around me. The more I tried or felt pressured to fit in, the deeper I buried my truth and the more I lost my sense of self.

Since I was young -about 4-5 years old- I knew I was attracted to girls and, later, women. I found myself admiring their beauty more than I ever cared to look at another boy. Through my adolescence, when I became curious about crushes and relationships, whenever I’d have feelings toward someone, I never had the courage to express them. Partly because I was scared, but mainly because I didn’t want to be somebody’s girlfriend- I wanted to be their boyfriend. Being in the body and mental space that I was in, I never felt confident in the fact that someone could actually like me because I didn’t feel or look like me. So I became timid, small, modest, and conforming. This created a rift in my identity because by hiding away who I was, I began to embody who others wanted me to be.

Currently, we live in a world where right-wing legislators actively shun and erase liberation and activist pedagogies, and to tell you the truth, I understand why. While I attended community college, I took a Women’s and Gender Studies class which focused on queer and feminist literature. We read books by authors such as Toni Morrison, Gloria Anzaldua, bell hooks, Margaret Atwood, and Alice Walker- to name a few. Learning about gender and sexuality and how they shape and affect identities, as well as social institutions, unveiled what I always knew but kept concealed. It was like learning how to read, write, or put the pieces to a puzzle together for the first time. What I was learning aligned with my inner compass and helped make sense of who I was along with my role and impact on the world. That’s how I understand why this knowledge and information is often silenced- because if more people were to discover their truth and take the blindfold off, then they’d see how social structures are set in place to keep them quiet, oppressed, and unhappy.

The knowledge we seek and confirm shapes our faith, our values, and our confidence. It is what aligns with our inner compass: our truth and our purpose. The more I aligned with my truth, the more I was able to make sense of who I am and understand my likes, dislikes, wants, and needs. And if you’re wondering how to let your inner compass guide you towards your true self, it’s through experience. It’s by doing things you’re curious about, things that make you uncomfortable but that you know will reap what you sow, things we find challenging, and things that make us feel good. I was curious about the class, so I enrolled in it. I was curious about boys and girls, so I experimented with both. I was curious about jobs in marketing, hospitality, management, so I tried out each field. By trying new things and actually living is how we figure out who we are because our experiences and our responses to them are what shape us. Then by reflecting on my experiences, I am then able to understand what I seek, like, want, and need out of life. In turn, I’m able to create a reality that I enjoy and feel aligned with.

Navigating through life is quite the journey, though, because I have changed, adapted, and evolved so many times. When I accepted that I was trans- meaning I didn’t identify with the sex or gender I was assigned at birth and labeled with- I felt reborn. However, I thought realizing that I was trans would make everything simple and easy, but boy, was I wrong. To tell you the truth, despite having a father and an older brother in my life, I didn’t really know anything about how to take care of myself as a man, and I didn’t even realize I was trans until my father had already passed and my brother and I were each living our own lives. Everything I knew about being a man came from Disney movies, rom coms, and chick flicks because that’s what I watched growing up. Through the media I was exposed to, I took after the men that were portrayed in them and who I wanted to be like, which were men that were often sensitive, romantic, and family-oriented. I now had to navigate the world as a transgender man, when all my life I was socialized and perceived as a woman, and never did I see a transgender man on screen.

Despite having rejected femininity for most of my life, I realized that although I didn’t identify as a woman, femininity still flowed through me. Through my experiences I’ve noticed I don’t have to be one extreme of the spectrum of masculinity or femininity. Rather, I constantly ebb and flow through it all. When I started taking hormones was when I felt the most confident and the most like myself, but trying to assimilate to the world as a man was also challenging for me. Sex was, and still is, quite taboo and sacred for me. I was raised to be a people pleaser, and to not take up space, and always be considerate of the people around me. I wasn’t used to men nodding their heads at me and complimenting my outfit as a sign of brotherly validation as opposed to flirtation. I wasn’t accustomed to being so conscious of how strong or weak I looked, or how emotional or serious I was. Another thing I wasn’t used to was women being afraid or avoidant of me. Of course I’m speaking generally, this isn’t always the case, but it’s the first time I’ve experienced anything like it more often than not.

When I began my transition, I thought I had to be like every other stereotypical man until I realized, that’s not who I am. I feel safest and most confident in my masculinity- in my nature to protect and provide, to take care of the women in my life, to have the strength to uplift and lead the people around me. But at the same time, my femininity keeps me gentle, empathic, nurturing, and kind. We all encompass aspects of masculinity and femininity, and each equation is what sums us up to make us who we are. When we stop trying to box ourselves into one way of living or one way of being, and accept ourselves in our entirety- the good, the bad, the ugly and the great- that’s when we’ll really free ourselves from the pressures of social standards.

I never felt pressured to “be a man,” but I placed that pressure on myself because growing up, I always looked for examples of how to be a man and once I had the chance to actually be one in real life, I wanted to be the best one. But I can only be the best me. So I’ve learned to be gentle with myself, while also pushing myself to be great. I’ve learned to be humble, while acknowledging my gifts and skills. I’ve learned to listen, while also knowing when to speak up for myself. I’ve learned to be strong, and take care of myself when I feel weak. Regardless of what we were made to believe or what anyone else believes, it is okay and it is natural to ebb and flow through all of your emotions, decisions, and thoughts. Really, we’re all just putting pressure on ourselves to be the people we think we should be, rather than accepting ourselves for who we are and embracing our authenticity.

Navigating social constructs as a transgender man has shaped my truth and has helped me make sense of the world around me. Shunning, oppressing, and destroying others for reveling in their authenticity is simply a projection of the fear of one living in their own inauthenticity. We weren’t born to be hateful, but rather we were made that way. Ultimately, the journey to self-acceptance is not about fitting into a predetermined mold but about embracing the fullness of who we are. Masculinity and femininity are not rigid boxes but fluid energies that we all embody in different ways. So love yourself, and one another, and embrace your inner compass so that we can all find our True North as the truest versions of ourselves.